Weekly Wisdom #254 - Leopards Changing Spots

Awesome message! I am inspired although very much in pain. I AM ENDING a toxic relationship this week and it's all I am focusing on. His LIES and DECEITFUL ways. I could never change who he is and stayed too many years 8+. It's time to heal, I don't know how but I will end it. Will continue meditating, start yoga again and therapy to heal my pain. Thank you for this post as it hit home.

DEAN,

I NEED THIS DEAN-- TO ABSOLUTELY CHANGE MY LIFE. YOU SAID TO STATE WHAT ''SCARES ME'':(
WELL THAT YOU WILL MAKE ME SUCH A GREAT REAL ESTATE INVESTOR THAT--
ALL MY DREAMS WOULD COME TRUE

THEN I COULD BE THE NEXT ONE BESIDES YOU THAT IS PAYING IT FORWARD TO ANOTHER.

THAT MY DREAM

I have a very bad habit.

It pokes me when I stop to browse newspapers and magazines.

It slaps me when I’m watching TV.

It punches me hard at the gym.

It knocks me down when I am walking down the street.

I compare myself to other women.

I’ve suffered from depression at points in my life, and I’ve suffered from low self-esteem pretty much always.

It’s not an uncommon trait, comparing ourselves to others. But it seems to be a particularly bad habit for me. Perhaps because my brain is terrifically inventive; at my worst, I can find literally anything as proof that another woman is better than me.

She’s beautiful. She’s slim. She has a successful career. She has money. She’s married. She has nice clothes. She has brown eyes. She has blue eyes. She has smaller hands. She has a red top. She can walk faster than me.

I don’t always do it. If I’m feeling good about me, I can see a pretty woman while my boyfriend is with me and, although I do feel a slight pinch at my heartstrings, I’m able to disregard it fairly well.

But when I’m feeling low in confidence, seeing that pretty woman rips into my heart and brings tears to my eyes.

I look at her face, hair, body, success, and I think, “I can’t compare to her.” I torture myself with thoughts that if my boyfriend ever meets such a woman, I will be, as we say in Britain, yesterday’s news and today’s fish ’n’ chip paper!

It’s not just when I’m with him. I used to work in the fashionable Soho region of London, and I couldn’t take more than a few steps before a young, pretty, slim, effortlessly cool lady would glide past.

My thoughts would be, one: How does she have the money for those clothes? Two: How does she have the energy to make herself look so nice? I barely remember to brush my hair. Three: Thank goodness my boyfriend isn’t here to see her; he’d push me into that puddle over there and go running after her! And four: I look awful.

It got so bad at times that I couldn’t hold my head up. Not only did I feel ashamed of my own appearance by comparison, but literally averting my eyes seemed the only way to protect myself from the massive emotional upheaval I went through when I saw a beautiful woman.

I was really horrible to myself. Not to mention close-minded about the other women. I didn’t know their circumstances, their personalities, or personal traumas. I just saw the outside, and believed that it looked better than mine.

I create these comparisons all by myself.

They’re just people; it’s me who subscribes to the “she’s better than me” mindset, and me who judges that one of us is prettier, more successful, happier. I make all these comparisons and then berate myself, first for being a lesser being than them, and then later for being irrational and silly.

But as it is my reaction, and my brain, I have the power to do something about it.

As with all insecurities, thought patterns, and habits, it takes a lot of work, practice, and self-forgiveness to teach yourself to genuinely see your own awesomeness. For some of us it will be our life’s work.

I have discovered some tips that have greatly reduced the occurrence of my episodes, which I’d like to share:

1. Try a change of scenery.

I happened to move to another area recently. Obviously I’m not suggesting moving as a plausible tactic to avoid comparisons. But the change to my routine really gave me a big boost.

I was completely distracted by finding my way around, discovering my new neighborhood, caring for my new home, seeing new sights, and visiting new places. I was stimulated by the new experiences and too engaged in my own life to think about everyone else’s.

This can be done right where you live; seek out new things to do or see. Broaden your world.

2. Take even better care of yourself.

Exercise is well documented as a mood-booster, but it never used to work for me. I tried to go running but, rather than a rush of endorphins, I would feel a rush of tears, as I felt stupid and unhealthy.

But I was able to join a gym two months ago. My first workout was mortifying, but once I got used to the machines, I started to feel really proud of myself. I am doing something just for me. I am giving myself the gifts of health and hope.

3. Be honest with yourself and others.

I am really honest with my boyfriend about how I feel. He knows my triggers, and being synced into my problem means that he knows just how to help me feel better, whether it’s distracting me, taking me out of the situation, or planting a big kiss on my forehead and reassuring me.

I also talk about it very openly with my girlfriends, and it’s so helpful to hear them say “I feel like that too” or “You have absolutely no reason to feel you’re less than anybody.”

4. Keep practicing.

I work hard not to give into every opportunity to criticize myself. I try to breathe, give myself space before reacting, and see whether I can resolve it alone before asking for reassurance.

I remind myself that my boyfriend loves me for me. I remind myself that I have my own strengths, my own beauty. There is nobody else like me. I deserve to stand alongside every one of those women whom I compare myself to.

Everything gets easier with practice, even resisting the urge to make comparisons.

5. Remember your strengths.

We all have them. I know I have a unique personality, a good sense of humor, a few different skills and talents. I know I have nice hair and nice eyes. I’m not the pitiful eyesore I believe myself to be when I’m feeling down on myself.

The more you become comfortable recognizing your strengths, the more armor you’ll have against negative thoughts.

We are all different and all beautiful. I believe this for other people, and so my goal is to believe it for myself as well.

If we work on our self-esteem and realize how lovely we are then other people won’t seem so threatening. Be kind, gentle, and nurturing to yourself and you’ll feel less of a need to make comparisons.

So thanks Dean for telling me this. I hope my comment inspires you in some way...(; x

Hi Dean, thanks for all your words of wisdom and encouragement !! It really means a lot to me! At 55 years of age I decided to do something that makes me happy!!

that was a great blog Dean.I I have never been afraid of any confrontation so far in my life.So I I'm not sure why I am nervous about confronting my fears of starting a new career in real estate! I have a pretty good career in construction.The economy is good so there is a lot of money to be made in construction if you want to work a lot of hours.Which I have been doing for the last couple of years, but now I'm going through a divorce and it has really brought me down that's why I think I am scared of confronting my fears! I would really love to get going with a real estate career I'm just not sure where to start. Thanks for the positive blogs I will keep reading.

Dean. My greatest fear is going to jail i dont want to go there no way.I am taking a leap of faith to trust that I can help people with their contracts and not mess that up. I am taking a leap of faith every day ,one day at a time. You keep me motivated to not give up.I am learning to trust my instincts and to have courage to be confident and take action. I am doing so now.Thanks Dean you are amazingly smart.

Understood you completely. I have been with you since early 2011, yet have found excuses to not start. Have bought in to the program, gone to "boots on the ground", have weekly wisdoms since the beginning saved, bought Edge tapes...2 years now. But, I am a perfectionist, and am too worried about failing at any part. I am so scared that I have telephone pages torn out for realtors yet haven't picked up the phone. I feel empowered with knowledge, yet frozen from fear. It makes so much sense to me that this is the solution to my future, but not having someone I trust, that I can get an answer from on the other end of the phone...well, just another excuse, right! To overcome fear is my biggest challenge and wanting it to be perfect every time, from the beginning. Thanks for caring and sharing.

This is so funny that you mention, how people will put up bandit signs and later will not return calls. That is me. I spent 2K on Yellow letter campaign and fail to return half of the call, thinking I wasn't getting a deal...

I am a realtor in Tucson since May 2003 and I have allowed my license to be inactive since being diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. I treated with chemo until 12/11, had a transplant in January 2012 and have spent the last year recovering. I have attended several Real Estate opportunity sessions but none of them have been as complete as yours. I moved to Tucson, AZ in November 1979 and ultimately graduated from UofA in May 1995 with a BSME while working full time. I worked as a Mechanical Sales Engineer until February 2003.
Getting to my fears, I have gotten past the fear of dying, past the fear of being broke, and the fear of being nothing with no accomplishments. One of my new fears include being legitimately successful in Real Estate Empire building. My medical bills have prohibited my ability to get very involved with property flipping and buy and hold opportunities but I see solutions on the horizon. I have had 5 successful business so I know that I have the perseverance to complete this project and overcome that fear.

Hey Dean thank you so much for your transparency. It is truly a blessing to work with someone who is genuine and not afraid to share changes that need to happen in their own life. The changes I've already started making is making God a priority in my life also confrontation, along with time management (have been late all my life), self help books and support network for accountability, wise financial decisions (budgeting and not spending frivolously) and surrounding myself with positive people.

I really want to succeed as an REI and am focusing on Student Housing (my youngest son is in college and lives in an apartment w/3 other guys, each paying $499/mth) and Single Mom Housing as I am a single mom of 4 (they're grown now but know the struggle). Also, I have never owned my own home and would love to find a sweet deal on some land to have it custom built, as well as, help my church find an awesome deal to build our church. I pray that I've not offended anyone by mentioning God but he is my source and my strength (I can't do anything without Him). Thank you for your time and blessings to you.

Hi Dean,

Thank you for all your weekly wisdoms that have really encouraged me to get to the next level in real estate investing .

" Leapards can change spots " I beleived in the opposite before I joined your amazing DG family. Read all your inspiring books that has really changed my mind set towards real estate investing. The fear is finally over !

Thanks Again!

My first real estate purchase turned out to put me in the red financially, due to vandalism of the property. So $12K in damage, and no rent until the unit is rehabbed has shaken my conviction that real estate investment can be profitable.

Fortunately, my losses a minimized by ReadiProp, but it is a loss nevertheless.

I just have to NOT allow myself to fall into my old habits of always being a nay-sayer and realize that it is a fluke that my first property will result in a loss for the first quarter, but not let that curb my enthusiasm for looking for future deals!

Hey Dcean, this strategy to face and challenge your fears are effective and accurate. When you finally get the courage to take steps towards defeating them, the process get easier as you go. Thanks for more "wisdom."

Mostly just afraid of making a costly error. I'm gearing up to make this work and take the plunge. To better myself and others I must make this work so I may have the income to stop working for other people.

Dean,

I have just returned from the buying summit in las vegas , and got to hear you speak in person and shake your hand , how inspiring you and the whole event was for me. I thought all the way home on the plane how i can change a little each day to become a better investor. I believe that the biggest problem we sometimes have is with the inner confortatation within ourselves. When you talked about confortation as an area you personally wanted to tackle it made me think that this is true of myself only it is with myself. Somewhere i think i have been condition by the world or people or even myself to feel like i have to fight with me and always defend why i deserve to have it all and pass that along to others when i get there, iI want you to know that you and your team of amazing trainers have made me realize that I do deserve it all ! i will no longer listen to that voice inside me say YOU CAN'T!!! The future is bright and my confortations are over.

Chris Johnson
Florida

Things I am scared of but have been working on is talking to people and making offers. When I first started putting out bandit signs I was absolutely scared to answer the phone. I have pretty much got over that fear now and answer everyone of my phone calls!!

Something I am still working of forsure is making offers. I feel bad when I am standing person to person and I have to give an offer to this person that is way less then what they are asking!!

I am getting better but still working on it! Thanks to Dean!

Areas of my Life, i'm trying to improve:

. Facing the seller on a sale.
. Negotiating on a deal for a lesser price
. Afraid to say what you feel when negotiating
. Becoming out of the shale & becoming an extrovert
. Avoid over analyzing a proerty

Dean what you are saying is true your fears will hold you back from doing things you know are right to do but that little bug in your head called fear will stop in in your tracks. That's why I am fighting these fears of getting involved and moving forward with you as my mentor and I know I will exceed with your help. Thank you Dean for taking the time to do these spots to help us overcome our fears as you did.

Dean,
This is a problem that I have been struggling with for years. The way that has just recently been working for me to overcome this big barrier has to team up with people in two different ways.

First was to pick a friend as my accountability coach. We now set 3 to 5 weekly goals to achieve and email them to each other, then do an accountability call every Friday morning for 10 to 20 minutes and press each other for results.

The 2nd way has been to start building a team of real estate partners who are proficient at doing the things that I find difficult, such as calling back potential clients from direct mail campaigns, then have them help coach me through doing those calls.

These things have allowed me to really start moving this business forward.

Hope others this of some help.

Don

Couldn't wait to watch the weekly wisdom - gotta keep climbing out from the comfort zone. It's especially important when everyone around you is just keeping the status quo!

Hi Dean. I used to think people couldn't change, once a clown always a clown. I was wrong! I have proven it with myself and my weight loss. Anyone can change. You have to set your focus on what you want and desire, it is very hard to set your focus and keep it. You have to do something with your attitude to keep yourself focused. What I mean is you have to reset your focus on a daily basis. Get up and think, then do real estate or weight loss or both. Once you reset your focus everyday you have your mind set on what you will be working on that day. You must hit the reset everyday and then commence with moving that way by just doing the actions to get you to your daily goals. Old thoughts out and the new ones in.

Thank you Dean
One of the things that I love about you is that after all of your accomplishments, you still know how to relate to "us".
We are the new, the slightly experienced and the ones well on our way.
I am grateful everyday that I watched "that late night video" some 1 & 1/2 years ago.
I personally have done several deals(not as many as I wanted) and have done some short term financing to fellow DG'ers., helping them and putting some money in my pocket.
It's all about networking which is my failure.
( short term )
I find myself wanting to ask others to help me as I have done for others, but not knowing why, just think and Not act.
So............ I promise to move forward and not be shy to ask for funds to help w/my plans & projects.

Thank You Dean
God Bless

Michael / aka Misha

Your posts are great Dean, with young children its easy to relate! I joined the success academy and had more fears than could list. From public speaking to making offers without knowing where the money would come from.

With a great deal of practice, I now speak in front of people frequently and make offers all the time with many of your strategies including owner financing!

My real estate portfolio is now bordering $1.5M And growing!

Thanks for your inspiring messages.

So how do you change were the pain is? I try but...I'm stuck. There. I hate to leave the house and answer the phone and ask for help and talk to strangers. I try but you know. Oh ya I don't want your laptop give it to Andy S that was an excellent post. I even want to help others but I can't get myself to follow through on occasion. So there you are. Its not procrastination its fear of the unknown.
Al

I doubt myself and don't make moves to change my life in a big way. I try to talk myself out of it, thinking that it won't work. This I shall change!

I'll try to communicate my feelings & raise my standards to conquer my fear! That's what I'm gonna start doing.

What Im most afraid of is letting time pass by, my two little boys grow up and me knowing I could've done better and because I did not fight my fears or better said i did not fight and did not discipline myself the way I know I should and they suffer because i did not have the guts or strength to show them better by my own actions. One of the main things Ive learned with you Dean and your books is that the roots of all our problems live within our own self in what I call our own universe within our universe.
Thank you Dean for what you do, I hope to do the same for other humans in my lifetime give them hope and best of all knowledge.

Doug.

Dean I really needed to hear this! I never looked at as confrontation, more so fear for me, in reference to the verbiage to use once people start calling you back after posting bandit signs or ads on Craigslist, hence why I haven't done neither of them..smh.... It is now time out for avoiding confrontations, fear, and NO for an answer. It is apart of the process that I must and will accept, because my children's future is BIGGER than my fear or one or two people telling me! I will keep pushing inspite of the barriers..... Thanks for being so transparent, I respect that;)

Peace N Blessings

There is a saying "change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change."

That is a short and sweet and to the point analysis that makes Your Weekly Wisdom more meaningful to those of us who need that boost.

I had to do CPR on my own Dad on Labor Day. He finished a 28 mile bike ride and collapsed at the finish. After about 20 minutes and three shocks from EMS that arrived we got him back. If I could get through that, I can accomplish anything in real estate because nothing in this business has more pressure than what I was under that day.